𝚒𝚏 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑠 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 ...

do you ever feel exhausted from how much you care?

do you ever feel like you feel everything that moves? and like you cry as hard as laugh?

Do you ever hate your tears? Have you ever tried to hold your tears back with everything in your power and still failed to do so? Have you ever felt like your tears release from your eyes and stain your cheeks with this mocking sting of resentment and self-envy? Has the bitterness of your tears ever tasted like self abandonment whisked together with desolation and a whole lot of confusion??

Have you ever felt your tears on your face and resented them for how they made you feel? Have you ever felt that each tear was just another reminder that you’re weak, not strong enough, too sensitive, too emotional, too caring and maybe just a complete and utter idiot? Worse of all; upon making this realization, have you ever felt like your tears were against you; promising to jolt from the depths of your soul and unleash from your eyes like unforgiving tidal waves; making each succeeding thought heavier than the last and your conscious mind as heavy as the ocean itself?

I have. and I couldn’t understand why. but now I can &

If tears could tell stories maybe then you would understand, too.

They’re hot on my face, so hot that they burn,

They’re bitter, they sting my tongue as means to remind me that I’ve done it again, I’ve put someone else’s needs before my own

but upon listening I see that

These are not tears...

They are the soul of my heart

and along with them bears

my yearning to make the life of even one a bit easier; my hope for a better tomorrow and my love for helping and being there;

they are fearless,

they are courageous,

and unlike me,

they are bold enough;

to say things I couldn’t say

They silently tell others

what I couldn't dare

about my feelings

and also about

why they’re here,

they expel hard truths

& upon listening to them;

upon digesting them:

heres what I’ve uncovered:

Hard truth (of an empath) that I’m still struggling to swallow:

Being that I am an empath, i am self-aware enough to know that i will NEVER tell someone that I don’t have time to listen to their problems. Especially if they’re in distress because being that I am an empath, I will genuinely feel their angst or sadness or fear and want to help. The problem is I’ll want to help at the expense of myself. I’ll want to help even if I'm not okay myself, even if I am drowning in my own internal struggles/ problems.... the even bigger problem is; I will help. I will completely neglect my own feelings and problems and take on theirs and provide them with comfort and solutions and I won’t do it because I feel obligated to. I’ll do it because I genuinely want to. After hearing the torment their undergoing; the empath in me will feel the torment too and legitimately want to help...... & coming to terms with that has been one of the most eye opening experiences for me this year. I’ve learned that after a while I’ll start to subconsciously resent that person and that is a problem because it’s not that person’s fault, how were they to know that I was overwhelmed, they weren’t... they couldn’t have known because I didn’t tell them. Instead I was always there when they came to me and it makes so much sense that they continued to come back every time they had a problem because I mean why wouldn’t they; I proved to them that I was always there because I was...time and time again I was there listening, helping, validating, comforting, processing things, coming to conclusions, and providing solutions....... and while I genuinely liked being there for them and it made me feel good; I didn’t realize that I was actually committing an act of self betrayal.... by completely disregarding my own inner struggles and problems and focusing on theirs I was self abandoning. Yes, I may have been helping them and that may have felt good & like I was helping myself in the moment but what I negated to see for so long was this.... in a few hours or days when my own internal problems/ struggles that I negated and wrote off as “not important enough” in the name of helping others resurface, I’m the one left with not only my problems and inner struggles that already felt too heavy to bear but I am now also left sitting with feelings of anger, shame, guilt, self-abandonment, envy, confusion, self-hatred, fear, and desolation.... and as I just processed while at first I go to blame the person I negated my problems for, I quickly realize that it’s not that person's fault... it’s my fault, I am the only one to blame....And I can’t comprehend how I, who genuinely is overflowing with self love, could get myself there. How could I self abandon when I genuinely do love myself..... what I’ve come to find is that my desire to help others is even greater than my love for myself and being that I’m an empath. It's hard to “fix” this because caring for others and feeling their feelings is who I am. I can’t just not do it. It’s who I am and loving myself entails loving me for who I am... but how can I love myself for who I am if the person that I am commits acts of self betrayal against myself.....

yeah, talk about some serious internal conflicts of interest.

That all said; I’ve since learned and am continuing to learn how to navigate life as an empath and how to not get myself in situations where I will be put in a situation that will inevitably lead to me self abandoning, but I won’t lie... it’s hard. Knowing when to turn it off or recognizing when you’re overwhelmed/ going into emotional overload and thus need to turn your phone off and your mind off while practicing mindfulness to stay grounded and resting to recharge, is a very VERY challenging task.. and thus take it from an empath; asking the question; “do you have mental space for it right now” prior to venting/ sharing concerns can genuinely save an empath's life. Please consider asking this question every time you need help or advice or want to vent or unload, you don’t realize how many people will let you unload on them when the load they are already carrying is far too heavy to carry.

⁃a note from your tears for you to recall next time painful emotions slam against you causing you to lose the feeling of feeling altogether ♥ ~ Yours Trulee~ ♥