THOSE NIGHTS ARE SO EXHAUSTING....

I have so much passion inside of me,

I feel like if I was a cartoon character it would be exploding out of my eyes & ears

I have so much empathy and love and compassion for humans, especially those suffering & struggling that sometimes I feel like it genuinely hurts my mental heath.

Sometimes I feel like hearts aren’t meant to be as big as mine,

I love and care so very deeply that sometimes, I swear I feel people’s pain for them...

and

the magnitude and depth that I feel things and care for others generates so much confusion in me at times;

I watch how people respond to things.

I listen to what people say.

I evaluate what people do.

and i try to educate myself and understand that privilege is blinding,

& that people don’t know better,

& that life hardens people and it’s not their fault that their guard is up

& that they can’t help it If their life circumstances turned them bitter and mean....

I swear I try so hard to process and comprehend that

but sometimes,

I simply cannot understand.

I cannot process how human beings can treat other human beings so poorly.

It just doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t think it ever will.

I know I’m a dreamer and an idealist and I’d be ignorant to think that if I spread enough love, hate will somehow just disappear but I genuinely cannot help but to try to mitigate hate in any and every way that I can.

Passion, hope, compassion, love, and empathy burn so brightly inside of me,

that I simply can’t not care, I can’t not do anything, I can’t remain silent. I physically cannot.

I feel like it’s like such qualities/ characteristics are like a flame inside me that will not stop burning until the flame feels as though it’s warmth and light was spread.

I also care so much, too much.

I want the world to be rainbows and butterflies and sunshine and happiness and I HATE upsetting people.

It hurts me to anger others and I never want to.

Sadly, what I’m coming to find is that when you’re as passionate as I am and you speak up about important matters, you will always anger someone.

well, I’ve known this I guess

but it always hits hard when I realize I’ve angered people and they respond accordingly.

I try not to care and I’m educated enough to understand that it’s not about me but

oh my god, I care so much.

and I really hate that I care and sometimes i pretend I don’t care,

I’m actually so good at pretending that I don’t care but when it comes down to it;

when I lay my head down to sleep at night,

it’s all I can think about.

“I hope they understand what I’m saying” “i hope I didn’t make them feel bad” “I hope I don’t look mean or crazy”

these stupid thoughts intrude on my brain & violate every part of my mind......

And I grow anxious and overwhelmed.

Because then, the above thoughts are countered with thoughts like this; “How could there be such a lack of caring?” “How can human beings be so far removed from the sufferings of other human beings?” “How could I not use my voice to speak up for those less fortunate than me?” “How dare I turn my back on those I vowed to be a voice for?…”

and I don’t know what to do.

I feel like I cannot win,

it feels as though my thoughts are in a battle with each other and I do not feel strong enough to be a home for such thoughts anymore.

They feel as if they are killing me and

deteriorating my very being..

Most nights, the sound of my heart beat interjects and interrupts these thoughts as if to say;

“My passion to stand up for what is right;

to give a voice to the silenced,

& help them be heard

to hug the broken,

& empower the vulnerable,

to stand in unity with all and strive for justice, fairness, and equality

is much much louder than my fear of displeasing others”

and like a gust of wind,

a sense of calmness & clarity come over me

and all at once love prevails once again

Other nights, such nights are far and few between, I am not so lucky.

Love does not prevail and envy, anger, and hatred set in. I begin to hate that I care. I begin to hate that I’m passionate and this hatred, so foreign and exhausting, sits heavy on my soul and leaves me wondering how I will ever win when my mind is a battle ground and the enemy is myself...

& those nights are so exhausting

- Yours Trulee <3