Wars inside ME...

“be like the sky, own even the thunder with pride”

I’m back, for real this time…

A whole week of refraining from writing insta captions…. do you guys realize how many sentences, words, & thoughts are circulating in my mind right now… an absolute obscene amount… to say that my mind is an incredibly busy place right now would be an understatement to say the least…

That said, however, I have to start somewhere so let me begin:

You know those humans who know balance….the one’s who prioritize and can multitask… the ones who get what they need to get done, done because they practice time management and know that writing a response email should take no more than 10 minutes…. the ones who leave work at work and can just shut it off whenever they need to…..do you know those lucky humans?

I am absolutely nothing like them.

My emotions have no off switch. They come when they so please, which is often, and run rampant. They're strong and aggressive and intense and demand to be felt. Sometimes, they’re so strong and intense that they cloud the air and choke me.

I hate how fast my emotions get involved. Worse, I hate how fast my mind believes them. But I know it’s not my minds fault. My emotions hit me like a tidal wave and like waves crashing to the shore, my emotions bombard my mind, one after the other, each new one a bit harsher than the last until it begins to feel as if my mind is drowning. And once my mind begins to drown, my heart begins to suffocate and I can’t breathe.

I give 110% of myself to everything I do and no matter how much I try to stop myself, I simply cannot.

If I don’t give everything I’m doing my all, I am plagued by thoughts insisting that I could have done better and that I didn’t try hard enough.

& thus, when I invest myself into something, I invest my whole self into it… and it could be as simple as responding to my friend and trying to make sense of why her boyfriend’s being short with her. Three hours later and were still analyzing why he didn’t put an “I” before the “love you” and trying to decipher what’s up with all the periods…

When I think about it, I was always the one to take my time on things. I was never the one who finished something for the sake of finishing it.

“Good enough” was—and still is— a phrase that does not belong in my vocabulary.

e v e r y t h i n g I do, has to be done to perfection and if I am not exerting all of my energy into it then in my mind I’m not giving it all I have… meaning, it could still be better, longer, shorter, more precise, more articulate, more cohesive, just better, it could be better. It could always be better.

In undergrad and grad school when my teachers used to tell me the writing assignment should take no longer than an hour, I knew good and well that I needed to allocate a solid three hours to complete the writing assignment…

No, not because I wanted to over-achieve and be the teacher’s pet— I actually hated that I used to write as much as I did and would always try to hide the length of my papers from my classmates out of embarrassment and shame— I didn’t mean to write that much. It always just happened. Always. And no matter how hard I tried to refrain from exceeding the word/ page limit, I always failed because I genuinely couldn’t help it. Give me an assignment, particularly one that is of interest to me or ignites passion within me, add the fact that I cannot help but to give 110% of myself to everything I do along with my intense emotions; my ability to feel things very deeply and you’ve got yourself a thinking, feeling, writing machine that knows no word limit nor page number……

When my mind goes, it just goes and there is absolutely no stopping it. Calming it down a bit? Yes. But stopping it altogether? Not a chance.

I’ve come to learn that for me; thoughts and emotions are a deadly combination, once the two intertwine; there is no stopping them. Like a tornado of passion, they are on a projected path and will not stop until they’ve journeyed this path in its entirety.

You see, when I say I’m extra, I don’t mean that lightly.

Look up the term “extra” in the dictionary and I wouldn’t be surprised if a picture of my face popped up…… kiiiiiiddddding :o) Well. not really.

POINT BEING, I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like;

When I am sad; I don’t cry, I pour

When I am happy; I don’t smile, I glow

When I am angry; I don’t yell, I burn.

Passion burns wildly within me setting my heart on fire and demanding that I stand up for what I believe is right,

but then this yearning for approval gnaws at my chest.

It seeks to demolish the intense passion that burns wildly without regret within me and sits heavily on my chest hoping to be strong enough to put out the flame…but this hope falls short.

It’s no match for such intense passion & fails every time,

leaving a stinging sensation which serves to taunt me and leave me with this overwhelming burden of feeling as if it is my duty to keep everyone happy…

talk about an impossible burden to carry/ fulfill….

But even still I carry it,

and thus, time and time again I set myself up for mission impossible,

It’s like I dive into open water with no land or lifeboat insight,

And no one realizes it because I appear to simply be swimming

And while, in the movies drowning is loud and splashy, someone yells and waves their arms, they dip below the waves and come up in dramatic fashion while those on shore scramble to rescue them.

In real life,

drowning is quiet, your movements are subtle, you rarely make any noise at all. One minute your head is bobbing above the water and then it is gone. 

You see,

Sometimes, I don't even realize that I’m actually drowning because I’m too busy trying to be everyone else's anchor…

And so I write to remind all fellow empaths out there to

s l o w d o w n,

to

u n- p l u g,

to

p a u s e,

and to check in with yourselves.

You don’t have to feel guilty for not being accessible anymore. You are allowed to create distance from those who disrespect your boundaries and taint your energy without having to explain yourself.

You don’t have to feel guilty for not being someone’s version of perfect anymore. You are allowed to exclude authenticity without compromising your truth.

You don’t have to feel guilty for failing to do what you promised yourself you would do anymore. You are allowed to fall over and over, until you learn how to walk again.

You don’t have to feel guilty for being selfish with yourself anymore. You are allowed to give yourself the love you wish to receive without anyone confusing your revolution with narcissism.

Let these words be a reminder that YOU do not have to feel guilty for choosing YOURSELF in all aspects of your life. Let them remind the beautiful soul reading this that almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including YOU.

May we all know our medicine and take time to do what makes our souls happy.

May we never forget that being a sensitive soul with so much capacity for love is a gift.

And may we always lead with our whole hearts,

and n e v e r regret it ❥

Afterall, that’s how we win the war….

Yours Trulee <3